The NEW Guide to Renting a Car.

Tuesday, Feb. 07, 2006 ~ 3:08 p.m.

I have never been told more times in my entire two year tenure with this company that I am incompetent more times than I have in the last two weeks or so...

They made some changes here at work (sudden ones, without telling anyone what was happening until it did) so we are now, in our bilingual department which is specifically meant to handle Canadian calls and French calls, recieving calls from US callers. I haven't done that in nearly a year (it will be a year next month), and I had forgotten what nasty, awful people our callers from the South can be. Not all of them, mind you, but this new onslaught of callers has prompted some new complaints.

1. Talk into the phone, please. If you are holding it EIGHT FEET from your mouth, how am I supposed to hear what you're saying? And no you don't get sassy with me when I ask you to speak up!

2. Appoint one person to speak, and then have anyone else involved in the car rental leave the room. I can't keep stopping and waiting for your Grandma Josephine who is wanting the car rented but refuses to speak to me directly to relay every message to you and you to relay every message to her, nor do I want to wait for that to happen.

3. Have all of your information ready when you get on the phone. I don't have the time for you to call your cousin, Nicole, and find out what time you need the car for. Time is money with this company, we are constantly reminded that, and you are costing me money, perhaps my JOB by taking so damn long!

4. If World War 85 is taking place in your house, amongst your kids, please do not call my company to rent a car at that time.

5. If you are an abusive parent who is in the middle of beating and/or screaming at your child, please do not call my company to rent a car at that time.

6. If you are driving in your car, and your cell phone only has one unit of reception and you are renting a car for next week, please do not call my company to rent a car at that time, the static kills my ears.

7. If you are drunk, or under the influence of any drugs, or otherwise under the influence (of anger, heartbrokenness, or a serious bout of cramps), please do not call my company to rent a car at that time.

8. Do not start your rambling with "I know it's not your fault but I have to vent.." and then proceed to be incredibly rude, upset, and irate in the phone, thinking that your first statement excuses that. It doesn't. Your first statement should be "Is this the correct department with which to file a complaint?" Or, for those of you who can't talk good -- "Is this the right place to complain?"

9. My computer gives me a limited amount of information. For more detailed information, because our computer server could not POSSIBLY contain the manager's first, last and maiden name as well as home phone number, cell phone number and beeper number and their next of kin for every manager at every location, or a complete list of every vehicle - make, model, whether it has a cd player or not, what color it is, and how many bodies will fit in the trunk, or the proper procedure for how the insurance will cover you if you are having sex while driving and someone hits you, but it's not your fault, you must call the counter directly. I am not a "stupid person" because I don't know all of this information. I can only tell you the information that my computer supplies, and sometimes I am not legally authorized to tell you all of that. If you want to really get 'er done, you'd better call the counter, and I don't care if you can't reach them or their line is busy or you don't have a quarter to use in the payphone or you don't have any minutes left on your cell phone or you are far too indignated to actually write the number down and then use your pointer finger to actually physically dial the number, you still have to call the counter, and no, I can't transfer you.

10. Take whatever you are eating out of your mouth now. I find it exceptionally repulsing to have to listen to you moving things around in your mouth (the spit moving too!) or smack your lips incessantly, or cough and choke on your food because you didn't finish chewing before calling my number.

Now, if only I could get the company to make THIS the recording before people actually reach a live person instead of a message telling them they can find "the best" rates online, so that their first question when they come onto my line is "Should I just book on the internet?", then life would be EASY PEASY.